Dear Jesus,
I like to be in control of my life.
I like to do what I want to do.
I like to fix things immediately.
I can't let go of things easily.
Often times, what I want for myself goes
against Your will. I often pretend
that my desires are Your will.
I often think that because I want something, you must want it for me as well.
I want constant appeasement.
instant gratification.
perfection in the order and events in my life.
And sometimes, because I don't want what you want for me, I wonder if you really are going to give me
those things that I desire so much.
Look at the caterpillar. He is an ugly insect to begin with,
but goes into a cocoon
and comes out a perfect, beautiful creation.
I'm still in that cocoon. I'm poking my head out prematurely, trying to live as a butterfly
when I'm not. Not yet.
Show me you're real, God, so I know that Your will exists for me, and that I'm not giving up on all these things just because I think it's Your will.
Sometimes I think that.
It's thanksgiving, God, and I can't find anything to be thankful about. I'm stressed, I'm frustrated, I'm terribly depressed. Show me you're real. Show me Your will for me.
I look outside and it's snowing. I stare into the blizzard and hear my family laughing. I hear the sound of electric heaters, the dog walking around, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade playing on TV.
and for the first time in my life I realize that there are walls around my house. There is a heater that's warming my feet. There is a light illuminating my desk. There's a roof over my head. There are clothes on my body. There is no wind.
The world is a calm, quiet, snowing bliss.
And you say to me, Jon. Look at the snow. I gave you this today, on Thanksgiving Day. Did you know, Jon, that the world has to be ready for snow before I give it? I keep this beauty and holiday bliss from you all year until Christmas draws near, and I unleash it to bring you inner joy and peace. Understand that just because what I have planned for you is not what you want for yourself right now, even you don't know what's best. You're not ready for the beauty yet. But it's coming. And it will be truly awesome.
It will bring you inner joy and peace.
Happy Thanksgiving, God. I love you.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
just waiting
Hoo ee. Where to start?
The past few months has not been kind to me. I've had to go through more trouble and frustration. I've had to focus my strength and really work hard to keep my head above the water.
My devos lately have been about the gospel, and what great news it is, and everything. And while that's all really great and awesome to learn about, I found that it's hard to relate to the things that are going on in my life this week.
Like, Jesus loves you. Jesus died for you. I mean, that's really awesome and great and can be used to reach out to others in such powerful ways, but I felt like it wasn't what I needed.
Life has been tough. It's bashed me across the head. It's made me want to tear my hair out. It's made me cry. (Yeah, I do cry. That's just how frustrating it is.) And the more I keep pressing on, the more hope I lose.
Last Friday, my pastor Nathan shared a verse with us from Joshua 1:7, 8. “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful."
And another verse to add on to God's promise of prospering us and giving us good things, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
The words that shot into my mind when he read these verses was, "God, when?"
God, I'm giving it all I've got right now. I'm trying to live your life. I'm trying to be successful and healthy and strong in mind, body and spirit. As of right now, my faith and trust in you is at an all-time high. So when?
When are you going to prosper me?
When am I going to be able to look back on the time I'm having right now, and think to myself that I learned valuable lessons and that with your help I pushed through the difficulty of life right now?
When can I say, "I was drowning, but God pulled me right out of the storm. Now my life is meaningful and inspiring."
God, why are you holding back on me? I mean, I just want to be successful. Is that too much to ask?
I thank and praise God so much that I have a mother like mine.
It was through my mom that I realized I had been missing the point. Who decides what the meaning of "prosperous" or "successful" is?
God.
See, all this time I hadn't thought that by prosperous and successful, the Bible didn't mean that we would live perfect lives and win and succeed at everything. It didn't mean that we would not run into hardship, or fail, or not amount to anything. It didn't mean that we would live the way the world considered good living.
I'll say it again. It didn't mean that we would live the way the world considered "good living."
I'm sitting here praying to God that he'll do His will and at the same time I'm praying that he'll give me a good life. One in which people will consider me successful. That I'll make enough money. That I'll get a smart job. That I'll be able to, as Brother Michael said, "Find my value in letters like P.h.D or M.D. or M.B.A."
Prosperous. Think about it.
Last time I talked about trusting God to give you good gifts. Now I'm talking about trusting God and accepting his plans for us just because he said so.
I have to learn to put away my pride. I have to learn to put away the plans I have for myself to accept the plans God has for me. And whether they are considered prosperous or not in the world doesn't matter. Because God's going to prosper you in the way he believes is the right way for you to prosper and be successful.
Jim Elliot and company. Were they considered prosperous to the world? No. They failed. But were they prosperous? Were they successful, in God's sight?
It's hard. It's really hard. But I have to learn to let God decide what makes me prosperous. I have to surrender it all to him. No holding back. See it was so easy just to say "God take care of it" after reading about God giving good gifts. Now it's time to take a real leap of faith. It's time to get over our worldly obsession and to turn toward eternity. It's the first step in getting closer with God.
God, I give prosperity to you. For your glory. For your glory.
For Your Glory.
The past few months has not been kind to me. I've had to go through more trouble and frustration. I've had to focus my strength and really work hard to keep my head above the water.
My devos lately have been about the gospel, and what great news it is, and everything. And while that's all really great and awesome to learn about, I found that it's hard to relate to the things that are going on in my life this week.
Like, Jesus loves you. Jesus died for you. I mean, that's really awesome and great and can be used to reach out to others in such powerful ways, but I felt like it wasn't what I needed.
Life has been tough. It's bashed me across the head. It's made me want to tear my hair out. It's made me cry. (Yeah, I do cry. That's just how frustrating it is.) And the more I keep pressing on, the more hope I lose.
Last Friday, my pastor Nathan shared a verse with us from Joshua 1:7, 8. “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful."
And another verse to add on to God's promise of prospering us and giving us good things, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
The words that shot into my mind when he read these verses was, "God, when?"
God, I'm giving it all I've got right now. I'm trying to live your life. I'm trying to be successful and healthy and strong in mind, body and spirit. As of right now, my faith and trust in you is at an all-time high. So when?
When are you going to prosper me?
When am I going to be able to look back on the time I'm having right now, and think to myself that I learned valuable lessons and that with your help I pushed through the difficulty of life right now?
When can I say, "I was drowning, but God pulled me right out of the storm. Now my life is meaningful and inspiring."
God, why are you holding back on me? I mean, I just want to be successful. Is that too much to ask?
I thank and praise God so much that I have a mother like mine.
It was through my mom that I realized I had been missing the point. Who decides what the meaning of "prosperous" or "successful" is?
God.
See, all this time I hadn't thought that by prosperous and successful, the Bible didn't mean that we would live perfect lives and win and succeed at everything. It didn't mean that we would not run into hardship, or fail, or not amount to anything. It didn't mean that we would live the way the world considered good living.
I'll say it again. It didn't mean that we would live the way the world considered "good living."
I'm sitting here praying to God that he'll do His will and at the same time I'm praying that he'll give me a good life. One in which people will consider me successful. That I'll make enough money. That I'll get a smart job. That I'll be able to, as Brother Michael said, "Find my value in letters like P.h.D or M.D. or M.B.A."
Prosperous. Think about it.
Last time I talked about trusting God to give you good gifts. Now I'm talking about trusting God and accepting his plans for us just because he said so.
I have to learn to put away my pride. I have to learn to put away the plans I have for myself to accept the plans God has for me. And whether they are considered prosperous or not in the world doesn't matter. Because God's going to prosper you in the way he believes is the right way for you to prosper and be successful.
Jim Elliot and company. Were they considered prosperous to the world? No. They failed. But were they prosperous? Were they successful, in God's sight?
It's hard. It's really hard. But I have to learn to let God decide what makes me prosperous. I have to surrender it all to him. No holding back. See it was so easy just to say "God take care of it" after reading about God giving good gifts. Now it's time to take a real leap of faith. It's time to get over our worldly obsession and to turn toward eternity. It's the first step in getting closer with God.
God, I give prosperity to you. For your glory. For your glory.
For Your Glory.
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